Weird Ways the Internet Says to Calm Down THC-Induced Panic Attacks

Getting way too high is just a badge of honor that all of us diehard cannabis enthusiasts must earn. There is something to be said about pushing one’s limits, regardless of whether it is intentional or not, by ingesting more THC-infused Capow! than a fragile mind is prepared to handle at the moment. It is almost certainly a horrific experience, though, dealing with the souped-up anxiety and paranoia that an overzealous evening with the leaf can bring. If that rhymed a little, you’re probably too high right now. My advice is to get through as much of this article as possible while you still can.

No matter how much the many articles published on the subject of cannabis-induced paranoia and panic keep preaching, “Hey, man, never fear, you’re not going to die from this, you’re just freaking out,” nothing and I mean nothing is going to talk a person down from this madness once it takes hold. Still, that hasn’t stopped the internet from spreading all sorts of hippy-dippy come down tactics for calming down a wicked canna-panic. Presumably, they hope that people suffering from too much highness will click on their reports and find some comfort inside their lunatic brain. But I’m going to let you in on a little secret: They probably won’t find much. Especially not with these five wacky remedies for taming that THC-infused animal running wild inside your skull.

The first thing people like to tell someone who is far too high for their own good is to just “try to relax.” The operative word here is try. Sure, the person hiding underneath the coffee table begging someone to call 911 may have embarked on their stoned journey fully aware that there was absolutely no possible way that they could die from biting off more than they could chew. They may have seen all the statistics, saw how even the DEA admits there have been no reported cases of fatal marijuana overdose. By all accounts, they were ready. Yet, in spite of their preparedness, the weed has them flipping their script, summoning all sorts of stink demons up from the bottom of the Earth to suck out their soul one shallow breath at a time. And all everyone around them keeps saying is, “Yo, you need to relax.” Listen, that’s easier said than done, we don’t care who you are. Edibles in high doses just have a way of climbing on top of a person and makes it hard to calm down. I’m not saying that trying to keep calm isn’t a solid move, but most people in this condition are far too busy trying to keep their heads from spinning off their shoulders to do it alone.

When the situation involving an extremely high individual takes a turn for the worse — because none of that relaxation talk worked out — there is some science out there that suggests black pepper, and maybe even some lemon juice will help take the edge off. It sounds ridiculous, I know, but the pepper trick apparently works for Neil Young! Still, it’s not like sprinting off to the kitchen and snorting up lines of spices will keep your skeleton from clawing its way out of your skin. It’s a bit less Scarface meets Hellraiser than all of that. But there are some studies that show crushing up a pile of peppercorns and inhaling the aroma is effective at easing a relentless buzz. This is because the pepper binds to the same receptors as cannabis and works to produce a calming effect. Now, repeat after me: Om….. Om….. Achoo! The same goes for lemon juice. Science shows that knocking back some fresh lemon juice with some of the zest from the peel can help fight off the THC demons playing paddywhack in the brain. There is a distinct possibility, however, that the person leaning on the pepper and lemon methods to kick their canna-panic might just end up sneezy, all puckered up and still desperately wishing their high would go away.

Okay, I’ve have seen this method used countless times in the movies whenever someone gets insanely drunk and has like 30 minutes to sober up and get to work. But if you’ve ever tried this at home — and some of us have — the trick here is a bit of a disappointment considering that it really just leaves you drunk, cold and sopping wet. Nevertheless, some publications believe that tossing a person into a cold shower is a sure-fire way to get then to calm down from a buzz that just won’t let go. The idea is that by shocking the central nervous system with a cold shower, the THC will learn who’s boss and back off its mission to drive the person straight over the edge. But go ahead and give it your best shot. As far as we can tell, a legion of THC has no fear of whatever elements you throw at it. This cannabinoid is the postal worker of all cannabinoids. “Neither snow nor rain nor heat nor gloom of night” will ever keep an overabundance of THC from knocking your face in the dirt.

Chances are the first place a THC spawned werewolf is going once a high gets too hard to handle is outside. It’s the next best thing to an oxygen tank, which they will most certainly be kicking themselves for not having around the house once the involuntary act of breathing all of a sudden exclusively falls on them. But in the dozens of times I have witnessed someone running for the door, trying to escape the high horrors that keep nibbling at their backside like a school of piranha with the munchies, I’ve never known a couple of whiffs of fresh air to help anyone get straight. But at least it gets these fools out of the house. As long as they don’t start howling at the moon and getting the cops snooping around, outdoors is probably the best place for them.

Oh boy, this one is a doozy. After all else fails, some of the best advice the internet has to offer is to just get the person to crawl into bed and get some rest. Only much like some of the other methods on this list, that’s not exactly the easiest thing to do. Trying to get someone who is freaking out on weed to lie still in a dark room with only their racing thoughts to keep them company is a recipe for taking a gnarly situation and making it worse. I’m sorry to say, but just putting the super high to bed and hoping they will no longer annoy everyone else in the house is never going to work. These people need special care — someone to talk to and coax them down off the proverbial ledge — otherwise, they could ultimately lose their composure and fall to pieces. Honestly, we’ve only seen this method work if a bottle of benzodiazepines is close by.

TELL US, what do you do to calm down when you get too high?