5 tips for how to talk to kids about drugs

How do you talk to kids about drugs when telling them to ‘Just Say No’ might not work?

This is a question parents face today, as changing cultural attitudes have inspired marijuana legalization in some states, and other sweeping drug reforms. School-based drug education is slowly adapting to these new norms by equipping kids not only with science-based information about various substances and their impact on the adolescent brain, but also the life skills they need to make healthy choices.

Still, parents have a vital role to play when it comes to prevention and intervention, experts say.

“Parents, along with schools, are one of the primary socialization agents for drug use prevention,” said Devin McCauley, post-doctoral scholar at Stanford University’s REACH Lab, which studies adolescent behavior and develops drug prevention curricula.

While advocating that kids simply avoid drugs and alcohol may seem instinctual, research shows that this strategy doesn’t typically lead to abstinence. Today, experts like McCauley recommend a more nuanced approach to discussing drugs as a family — one that starts with fostering open lines of communication and demystifying these conversations so they don’t feel taboo.

Building a foundation of trust is essential so that youth will take what their parents say seriously and also feel comfortable confiding in them when issues arise.

“We’re never going to live in a landscape where 0% of the kids try substances, right? When parents take a ‘just say no’ approach and someone maybe tries something at a party or feels pressured, uses a vape because they feel cornered by friends, they’ve already used it — and they’re like, now what do I do? Do I hide it? There’s nothing in place for people who have experimented and don’t know what to do next,” McCauley said.

“Understanding that kids are being targeted and having empathy, work with your kid — like hey, I know this can be a really tough issue, let’s team up and be partners to make sure you’re safe,” he said.

Here are five practical tips to help parents navigate talking to their kids about drugs.

In today’s culture, experts say it is never too early to start talking to your kid about drugs and, in fact, it should be a topic revisited often.

Instead of working up to a single, all-encompassing conversation, consider discussing drugs in small, incremental ways, McCauley said. That will allow you to circle back without feeling like there’s pressure on the topic.

It is, however, important to make the conversations age-appropriate. For example, parents can start talking with preschoolers about cold or toothache medicines, what they do and how they should only be used when feeling unwell. As children reach middle school, parents can approach conversations with curiosity and open-mindedness in order to understand exactly what is happening in their kids’ social circles.

“I know this is common sense, but just building a strong relationship with the youth in your life — spending one-on-one time, listening without immediate judgement, knowing what children are interested in, what their activities are, who their friends are — that’s foundational, so that when they experience stress or peer pressure, they’re more likely going to come to you,” said Alison Long, health promotion manager at the City of Broomfield’s Department of Public Health and Environment.

As they reach their teenage years, it is OK to be specific about the substances you think they will encounter. McCauley suggests generalizing or using the news to ask open-ended questions that take judgement out of the tone. For example, “I’ve seen a lot about nicotine vapes on the news. What do you think about that? What do you notice among your friends and peers?” Those set the stage for a different conversation than asking teens, “You’re not vaping, are you?”

To avoid putting pressure on these discussions, initiate them in places and at times where you naturally connect with your kid, McCauley added. That could be on drives to and from extracurricular activities, while watching television or walking, or anywhere else you usually spend quality time.

Conversations about drugs should be just that — two-way exchanges. McCauley and Long advise parents to listen more than they talk to build trust and validate their child’s experiences.

“There’s data saying teens want to be able to open up and talk about this with their parents. A lot of them aren’t quite sure how. They fear being judged, they fear consequences. So if we respond in a way that is an invitation and shows that we trust them as well, I think that can acknowledge that need on part of teens and have this be an ongoing, evolving conversation,” McCauley said.

To that end, avoid lecturing and interrogating teens, which will almost assuredly turn them off to whatever message you are trying to get across. Be curious and ask questions. That includes asking for permission to share your personal perspective and understanding of drug risks.

All this works to show adolescents that they are valued, trusted and that, as a parent, you want to work with them. Health organizations across the state even host educational opportunities for teens and trusted adults to attend together, which can further strengthen relationships as well as offer essential knowledge to both parties.

“We try to stress that knowledge is power on both parts, on the adult and the youth,” said Lyndall Young, nurse and instructor at Western Colorado Area Health Education Center, which curates a variety of drug education programming for youth and adults. Whether it’s learning how to use naloxone, understanding the risks of opioids or getting tips on how to navigate hard conversations, “the more they know, they can go out and not only be safe for themselves, but be safe for their whole family,” Young said.

The whole point of building trust with your kids is to open the floor for honesty. So if your teen confides in you and you don’t like what you hear — such as they or their friends have been experimenting with drugs and alcohol — it is important to remain calm.

“If you hear something that’s alarming to you, take a beat, take a breath,” McCauley said. It is fair for parents to express their concerns, he added, but do it in a way that avoids shaming. Stick to personal statements such as “I am a little concerned” or “I just want you to be safe.”

Asking questions and getting feedback here is also essential to understand a young person’s motivation and the context in which this happened. Long suggested leading with an affirmation — e.g. “Thank you for sharing that with me.” — and following up with curiosity: Do you want to talk about it? Why did you do that? How did it go? Can we talk about some of the risks?

“If it makes you upset and angry, recognize that. That’s OK and understandable as a parent, but maybe that’s not the time for you to give your side. Maybe just focus on listening,” Long said.

Removing emotion and judgement from drug discussions can be difficult, but leaning on the facts will assist parents.

Resources like the Connect Effect campaign offer parent brochures that outline need-to-know facts about fentanyl and how to share those with your teen. Other health leaders like the Colorado Department of Public Health and Environment and Children’s Hospital have guidance for parents to bolster their knowledge about marijuana and frame discussions.

One of the most compelling avenues, experts say, is harping on the fact that adolescent brains aren’t done developing until age 25, so using substances can have long-lasting impacts. Note that it is also illegal to use alcohol, marijuana and nicotine until age 21, and doing so could have legal implications for a teen’s future.

McCauley noted there is a fine line between informing kids about drugs and teaching them how to use. Approach these subjects in ways that empower teens to share the information with their friends and be a leader or in a position to help when issues or questions arise among their peers.

“There’s a difference between saying, ‘When you use, slow down, wait two hours,’ versus ‘adolescents have gotten really sick because they ate three or four (cannabis) gummies in a row. They didn’t know it can take up to an hour (to take effect),’” said McCauley. “It’s worthwhile to have that information and you can try to present it in a way that’s not an instruction manual.”

Stressing again that parents are among the primary role models for kids as they age, Long emphasized exhibiting the behaviors you hope to see in your children. What you do is going to impact your kids more than what you say, she said. For example, if you are stressed, promote healthy coping mechanisms like taking a walk or calling a friend.

“If you’re going to have wine, maybe don’t say, ‘I’m so stressed, I’m going to have a glass of wine.’ Rather, if you are going to have a glass of wine, have it with dinner and show you can drink responsibly,” Long said.

She and McCauley also advised setting clear expectations for your kids, even brainstorming family values together to get teens to buy in. Additionally, make sure all the adults in the household are on the same page.

“One of the whole points of adolescence is to become your own person, develop your own autonomy and your own independence. If parents can respect that and empower it’s going to go a long way,” McCauley said.

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