We give our jobless 41-year-old daughter $5K a month and she only calls to ask for more | Ask Rebecca

Ask Rebecca is smart, honest advice to readers’ questions about life, family and relationships by columnist Rebecca Eckler. Got a question for Rebecca? Submit it anonymously on the form here. You can also send an email to NPadvice@postmedia.com.

How should I deal with a 41-year-old daughter who has been relying on us to pay over $5,000 a month to live because she hasn’t been able to get a job in five years.

We don’t feel that anything positive has resulted from this giving, and are being asked for more. I’m feeling used and done with this. There is always blame on us for not being supportive. She is very guarded, and I am so frustrated that the calls for money get me extremely angry and resentful now.

We are retired and have given her all this, and she calls on special occasions like my birthday or Father’s Day and it is all about her, ruining the special day every time. — At a Loss

Hold up! Are you telling me your daughter is 41 and you’re still giving her at least $5,000 a month?

I’m not saying I’m available for adoption. But I am totally available for adoption! I promise I’ll call to say hello. Frequently. Not just on special occasions. I’ll even bring cake!

Joking aside, that’s a staggering amount of money, and after five years this doesn’t sound like temporary financial help. Your 41-year-old daughter receives more from the Bank of Mom and Dad each month than many Canadians earn at a full-time job. That’s what makes your letter so compelling; $5,000 a month replaces the salary she could earn if she got a job.

It sounds like you’ve spent years trying to help someone you love, only to feel increasingly depleted, resentful and unappreciated.

I have to assume that if you’ve been giving your daughter $5,000 a month — $60,000 a year — for five years, with bonuses when she asks for more, you have the money.

I’m also assuming you’ve worked hard, saved wisely and planned for your retirement. You deserve to enjoy this chapter of your life without every call filling you with anger and anxiety.

One of my first thoughts was, “Why isn’t she working?” I also thought something doesn’t quite add up. Because if your initial goal was to get her to be independent, or help her through a rough patch, it’s worth asking why you’re still transferring that amount of money five years on.

Your mistake wasn’t that you were helping your daughter. Most parents would if they could. But has the money actually moved your daughter towards financial independence? From your letter, it sounds like a hard no.

Your mistake, I think, may have been never asking her, “What’s the plan?”

So the million-dollar question or, in your case, the $5,000-a-month question is, “What’s really keeping your daughter from finding a job, aside from the fact she doesn’t need one?”

The journalist in me can’t help but wonder where the money is going. Have you ever asked your daughter to walk you through where that $5,000 is going each month? Rent? Debt? An unfortunate relationship with Sephora?

But if, say, your daughter is struggling with depression, anxiety or another legitimate obstacle, she deserves compassion and professional help.

Either way, whatever you’ve been doing isn’t working. Not for your daughter, and certainly not for you. When a parent starts feeling used by their own child, it’s a sign that something in the relationship, not just the finances, needs to change.

According to you, every conversation somehow circles back to her, and eventually to money requests. It’s completely understandable that special occasions like birthdays and Father’s Day fill you with dread, especially if you feel like you’re getting a call from a creditor instead of well-wishes from your own daughter.

You’re not actually done with your daughter. You’re done feeling like your wallet gets more attention than you do. After years of monthly e-transfers, ask yourself this: Are you helping or making things worse?

I suspect many parents will read your letter and nod. Parents are hardwired to help. They may not be sending $5,000 a month, but they’re paying rent, covering groceries, financing vacations, babysitting full-time or co-signing loans. They want to be emotionally available, supportive and nonjudgmental, and that is wonderful.

But some have also become so afraid of damaging the relationship that they find it hard to say “No.” I’m not suggesting you cut your daughter off tomorrow morning. The right thing to do is give her notice. We do it for landlords. We do it for employers. We can do it for our own children.

Stop sending monthly support, not abruptly, but with a clear timeline and even clearer message. Write, “We love you. We’ve thought this through carefully, and we can no longer continue to provide $5,000 a month. We’ll continue supporting you for the next two months while you make other arrangements. We’re happy to help you explore employment opportunities, career counselling or other resources, but after that the financial support ends.”

Once you set the boundary, you need to stick to it. Otherwise, you’ll be right back where you started.

She may be angry, accuse you of not caring, and may even threaten to cut you out of her life. Adult children going “no contact” is having a moment. But that’s another conversation.

After five years and roughly $300,000, I don’t think you’ve failed your daughter. But sometimes the most loving thing a parent can do is stop making it so comfortable not to change.

It’s time for the Bank of Mom and Dad to close. Permanently.

— Love, Rebecca Rebecca Eckler is an internationally bestselling author, founder of re:books publishing, Rivkah Books, and co-founder of CANREADS. She’s a professional oversharer and observer of human behaviour, and has spent decades writing about life’s messy twists. She has no formal qualifications for this, other than a lifetime of questionable decisions and excellent stories.

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