I’m 60 and ashamed that my husband is aging better than me. Am I too vain? | Ask Rebecca

Ask Rebecca is smart, honest advice to readers’ questions about life, family and relationships by columnist Rebecca Eckler. Got a question for Rebecca? Submit it anonymously on the form here. You can also send an email to NPadvice@postmedia.com.

I turned 60 recently, and I’m embarrassed to be writing this because it feels so vain. My husband seems to be getting more attractive with age. He’s five years older than I am. He started working out regularly a couple of years ago, eats healthy, and is in great shape. My friends even tell me how handsome he is. I know I should be happy about that, and I am. The problem is that when I look in the mirror, I don’t feel the same way about myself. I see someone who’s aged in ways I wasn’t expecting. Some days I barely recognize the person staring back, and it’s made me more self-conscious than I’d like to admit.

My husband has never criticized how I look. He’s still affectionate, tells me I’m beautiful, and I honestly believe he means it. But he’s also one of the kindest people I’ve ever known, so I can’t help wondering if he’d ever tell me otherwise. I’d never ask my friends because I know they’d reassure me that I look beautiful, and I’d never ask my husband because I don’t want to put him in that position or hear an answer I can’t unhear.

Do you think husbands or spouses who’ve been married for decades really stop noticing the physical changes that come with aging wives like me? Or do they notice and choose not to say anything? I do get Botox, and I’m not opposed to cosmetic surgery. But how do I make peace with getting older and all the physical changes while my husband seems to get better looking as he ages? I don’t consider myself to be a vain person, but I think about this every day. — Ashamed to be Vain

You had me at “My husband is aging better than I am.” I nodded so hard, I probably created a few more neck wrinkles.

Your letter covers topics bigger than your husband aging well, including the injustice of aging and the shock and the grief that come with growing older as a woman. All topics many women are embarrassingly overqualified in.

First, let’s ditch the word vain. It’s too judgmental. Worrying about how you look is not a character flaw. If I asked 500 married women over 50 whether they share the same gnawing feelings as you, 400 would probably say, “Yes! Finally, someone gets it!” The rest are either genetically blessed supermodels or are lying through beautifully whitened teeth.

I think you’re 60. And I think you’re experiencing that strange disconnect where your face staring back at you in the mirror doesn’t match the age you feel inside. It happens to everyone, eventually.

Women, however, seem to age all at once. That’s why it’s so shocking. One ordinary Thursday, you look up, brushing your teeth, and think, “Whoa… when the hell did that happen to my face?”

Recently, I caught my reflection in the toaster — the toaster! — and wondered who invited my 80-year-old mother over. I now avoid any reflective surfaces, including elevator doors, windows, cars and spoons.

Women spend a small fortune, not to mention thousands of hours, on hair, Botox, skincare and researching at-home micro-needling kits. For what? The hope of hearing the ultimate compliment: “You look well-rested.”

Honestly, 60 per cent of my beauty maintenance-upkeep is because it makes me feel good. The other 40 per cent? I do it for my husband. Like you and so many women, I’ve become more self-conscious knowing that my husband — who’s nine years older — has turned into a George Clooney “silver fox.”

I completely get why this stings. Aging men get promoted to “silver fox.” Women get bombarded with ads for collagen, neck cream and age-defying serums on our iPhones.

Here’s the interesting part, though. Nowhere do you write that your husband has become less attracted to you. In fact, you write the exact opposite. He’s affectionate, tells you you’re beautiful, and never criticizes your appearance. You believe he means it. So, believe him!

Of course, he notices you don’t look 35 anymore. But does that change how he sees you? Based on everything you’ve written, I don’t think it does. It seems the only person who’s become less attracted to you in your marriage is you. I suggest borrowing his eyes for a while. They seem far kinder than yours.

In healthy long marriages, attraction evolves. It becomes less about flawless skin and more about shared history, inside jokes, loyalty, and the person who still knows exactly how you take your coffee.

You’re asking, like many of us, why does a man who buys running shoes, discovers the gym and protein powder at 60, lets his hair go silver, suddenly become hotter? It’s annoying. Actually, it’s infuriating. But the right thing to do is to ask, ‘If my husband gained weight, lost his hair or looked older tomorrow, would I love him any less?” I’m willing to bet your answer is no.

Your husband aging well doesn’t diminish your beauty. And let’s not pretend men aren’t vain too. Trust me, men care.

Do what I do. Whenever I’m feeling insecure or start feeling sorry for myself, I remember that my husband isn’t exactly Benjamin Button. He shaves his back, says “What?” on repeat, and we need an entire conversation on whether he should bring his knee brace to walk the dog.

I say, enjoy being 60. One day, I promise, you’ll be 70 and look back at photos of yourself and wonder, “What was I so worried about? I looked pretty good at 60!” Then at age 80, you’ll wish you looked like you did when you were 70. Women are almost always kinder to our younger selves.

But it’s helpful to remind yourself that if this is the biggest complaint in your marriage — that your husband is becoming more handsome — you should probably count your blessings.

And have you seen George Clooney lately? He also got older. Even George Clooney couldn’t outrun George Clooney.

Love Rebecca

Rebecca Eckler is an internationally bestselling author, founder of re:books publishing, Rivkah Books, and co-founder of CANREADS. She’s a professional oversharer and observer of human behaviour, and has spent decades writing about life’s messy twists. 

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